Why I don't use my full name here.

I started this blog under a different blogger account than my Regular one, because I wanted to give full disclosure: my weight, what my eating patterns were, how I really felt about my body, etc...without letting people who actually *do* know me see this side.

Is this cowardly of me? Maybe.

Today, pre-shower, my weight showed improvement, but I can't tell anyone specifically:

Analog: 248

Digital: 247.0

(Oh lord, I just substituted both "2"s in those numbers for "1"s. I hate that I'm 100 pounds heavier than someone who themselves might think they're overweight!)

Anyway: I'm in a pretty chipper mood this morning because of the weight...but usually this would be something I keep to myself and not talk about. And if I do, it has to be in vague terms (I only recently began referring to myself as Fat, Chubby, etc. to my friends & family--and not in a feel-sorry-for-me kind of way). But also, as I shed some weight since June, people noticed. And falling off the wagon for a few weeks seems like such a shameful thing to tell people who were so encouraging before, doesn't it? "I'm happy today because--remember how I lost like 30 pounds for the wedding? Well, I gained around 15 pounds of it back, right, which sucked. But then I lost a pound yesterday! So I'm still far from the weight I was a month ago, when you said I looked good. I mean, obviously I don't look good now, right, because you only *said* I looked good because I had lost weight."

So that's one reason I'm keeping this semi-anonymous.

Now, this is maybe going to sound mean, but I'm not always that nice of a person.

I had this wedding, right, and it was a small affair, like 25 people. Still, there were family members and friends who came in from distances, and who'd never met each other or hadn't seen each other for years. My brother Max flew in from California, and my new brother-in-law Kirk drove in from the East Coast--two guys who like looking at the ladies. I love my brother to death--he's hilarious and adorable and his smile lights up the room. But, his taste in women is strictly limited to skinny Minnies. I don't know if he sees me when he's telling me things like "She had a pretty face, but her muffin top was a deal-breaker"...hello?!!

My new brother-in-law, though...I cannot STAND. I think I might even hate him. (I'm pretty sure it all started when my husband told me that Kirk made fun of him for preferring curvy ladies.) He has a drug addiction, he steals from his FAMILY (I'm never letting him stay in our house if we're not home), he's the most selfish person I've met, and he dates 19-year-olds (he's 35). He also only goes for typically hot women.

So, two guys, one I adore, one I abhor: Max and Kirk. Similar philosophies to who they'll date.

Also present were several of my girl-friends: Ellie, Sara, Amy, and Dillon, and my sister Lil. All of whom I've stood in the shadow of as long as I've known each of them, in terms of boys or prettiness or personality. I'm so used to guys coming up to me and saying "Hey, Vee, how do I get Sara to notice me?" that I'm often suspicious of their motives for talking to me in any other capacity.

In the past few years, Ellie and Amy have wed and birthed babies, and both the settling down and the pregnancies have caused their bodies to change--not anything I noticed happening drastically, but as they continue to expand and bitch about their weight, I noticed it probably more than I would have without their prompting. But I never thought "they're not hot anymore."

After the wedding, Max and Kirk commented to me and hubby about the attractiveness of Sara and Dillon (and Kirk mentioned he found my sister Smokin'). I was taken aback--not because of who they'd mentioned, but because of who they hadn't--and because it was such a small ceremony, I know they were checking out everyone. (That's just what they do.) Could Ellie and Amy *kind of* be nearing my corner now? Could I actually not forever be the Only Ugly Fat One in the room? Could I actually have people in my life who identify with what I've been going through my entire life? And...could I actually have the advantage now, because I know what dieting is like and what I can stand, and I know exactly what will happen if I go to a pizza buffet, so I can make that decision and not be surprised when the scale goes up the next day? Ellie and Amy haven't even considered dieting--they just complain, and throw away all unflattering photos, and (this makes me angry) have the balls to be dubious about my low-carb plan. (I'm no converter here--if people want to try this plan, I'll help them all I can, but that's about it. So their "advice" for me to get off this plan is completely unbidden.)

So...I like that some of my friends are getting fat. It's a motivator for me, too, because instead of people just having this vague notion of my diet, I know they know how easy it is to slip into bad-eating habits. You've seen those comments, right, from fat-haters, who say "God, just get off the couch, put down the Twinkies, and go for a run! It's not THAT HARD!"...? They clearly have no, no, no idea what it's like. And I wonder if, deep down, that's what my friends and family think about me.

Anyway...this post may have sounded selfish. Another reason to stay anonymous, right? :)

And maybe, just maybe, I might be the one checked out someday at my friend's wedding.