Sigh...

I'm glad to steal a moment to post here...it's been almost three weeks! Thanks, Chai, for your message. I haven't gone. :) It's just been an adjustment lately, and my new work-place's computer faces OUT, so unless I'm on an official break, I can't blog as much as I used to.

Life has been pretty miserable at home, but I've given up trying to 'fix' anything there. I can't believe I'm 1) Married; and 2) Married to Someone Who Turned Into Mr. Hyde (after two years of being an angel; so much so that I was convinced my mama sent him down to me). I'm worried and stressed all the time, but not cheating too often. I've definitely had off days, but I think I was 244.1 last weigh-in earlier this week (of course, that was BEFORE Thanksgiving and the au gratin potatoes...), so it could be much worse.

Working 60 hours a week means I'm barely home, so following this plan is easier these days. I rarely eat out on my own, so I'm limited to what I've brought to work (unlike at home, where the fridge is stocked for hubby's preferences). My overhead cupboard at work is frickin' LOADED with a giant box of Slim Jims from Sam's; Laughing Cow Cheese; South Beach bars; sugar-free chocolate; diet Code Red Mountain Dew; Crystal Light single-serve powder to put in bottles of water; cocoa and sea salt almonds; spicy Vienna Sausages; Atkins shakes; bottled water; and sugar-free hard candy. I am truly never in want of anything at work, and since it's half an hour from home, I don't even have the option of going home for lunch. So the eating plan, if nothing else, is going well.

Soon, I'd like to mix up a big batch of Mock Potato Salad (with cauliflower), two batches of Oopsie Rolls with my *new* standing mixer, deviled eggs with the jar of pickled eggs in my fridge I made a couple months ago, and two batches of mashed cauliflower to make into a Shepherd's Pie. Unfortunately, I don't foresee life slowing down anytime soon, so it may still have to wait a few weeks. I knew this month would be a madhouse, so I shopped in preparation, with a big bag of Tequila Lime wings from Sam's (GOOD LORD, so good), boneless chicken thighs, and two pot roasts. I'm also allowing us to grab dinner 2-3 times a week, since some nights I'm not even home until 9:00. I feel guilty spending money on fast food, but since I'm working so much, that bunless, ketchupless double-quarter-pounder with cheese is a welcome break.

I'm not a cook, though I'd love to have a huge kitchen and all the time in the world to experiment with the yummy-sounding low-carb recipes all over the internet. I've been successful with all I've tried (OMG, the cream cheese muffins...those were gone SO quick!), and been pleasantly surprised with the simplicity of some of the recipes. But, I'd use a Flat-Out low carb wrap as a base for pizza crust over the "Yummy Deep Dish Pizza" recipe any day. It was too eggy and soft.

One thing I'm hoping to improve about myself is my aversion to a lot of foods. I've always been a fairly picky eater (only learned to eat onions five years or so ago), so Cleo's recipes for squash spaghetti, zucchini goulash etc. sound Absolutely Inedible to me. Even if I were to taste it and it'd be okay, I'd be thinking "Oh lord, this is squash...I *know* it's squash...I HATE squash..." It's like sweet potatoes. They made me cringe. At that concert a few weeks back, my friend got sweet potato fries for dinner and told me I had to try one. I did, and maybe it was good, but I have no idea...I wanted to throw up.


All right. I'm babbling. I'm putting off work, really. But I'll be back soon.
Thanks for helping keep me on track. :)

A new week

Well, if Saturday was non-stop Eating Day, Sunday was Eat Nothing day, and the scale showed it this morning:

245 Analog

244.1 Digital

Any other day, this would probably have made me delighted, but since anxiety and sadness caused me not to eat much on Sunday (though when I did, I stuck to low-carb), I'm not feeling that proud of myself.

Ugh, when personal problems arise, why is it that some days, dieting is the last thing you want to follow, and other days, EATING is the last thing you want to do?

Things have improved at home, but they're far from solved. I'm struggling now with how to convince my husband that he should get help for his depression, but he has such an aversion to being dependent on drugs (his brother Kirk--remember him?--is dependent on MANY drugs) that the thought of taking Prozac (or whatever) for the rest of his life isn't appealing. And, it affects him sexually (he was on an anti-anxiety med when I first met him and was sooooo glad to wean himself off it when he stopped teaching--which is why he started taking it). But this weekend was hell. Total hell. I can't go through this for the rest of our lives together, afraid that every little thing I do wrong will be met with anger and resentment...he found something wrong with *everything* I did this weekend. It was like he was searching for something to snap at me for.

So, I'm sad.

I'm leaving tomorrow for a short, fun little trip a couple hours away to go to a concert with some girl friends from high school, and we're staying in a hotel that night. I don't know yet if I'll stay on plan or not. Since this will be a nice escape from the Crap Den that's been home lately, I might just choose to enjoy everything about the getaway, including food.

But I'm back on today, and doing okay.

Ugh. THIS WAS A BAD DAY.

I thought about not journaling today...but it's been so shitty that I bet this can only help.  And maybe putting it out there will help me to take responsibility for my future actions.

Our place has been a pit of despair of fighting and crying since Friday evening, and I am t-i-r-e-d.  And sad.  And worried.  And so sick of thinking all the time about money and doing without for *my* diet, while buying him little treats here and there.  That's not his fault; I tend to buy things for people when they're going through a rough spot, and he's been in a perma-rough spot for weeks.  I think he's beaten down and depressed after the non-stop gogogo of the wedding, and I feel so helpless and horrible and unattractive and not good enough.

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be about my low-carb life.  So, more on topic:  I cheated.  Totally cheated.  Couldn't even make it half a week.  And it wasn't even because I was craving or dying for a certain thing--I just looked at Jimmy Moore's menu, and felt sick at the prospect.  I won't talk about what I had in specific terms--generally, it was pie, pizza, breaded stuff, bread--because it might sound too good later when I reread this.  I *could* have done this day on plan.  I could have.  But I was so low, so depressed, and nothing was making me smile.  I hate fighting...it breaks my heart...and though nothing serious has happened, my heart is hurting today.  My family is out of town, or else I'd escape for a game night there...and the *only* thing in the house that I wanted, that would make me forget about the sadness for a moment, was food.

I never thought of myself as an emotional eater.  I just ATE.  But three years ago, Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and given six months to live.  She never smoked, so it was totally bullshit unfairness, but whatever.  (It's not fair to anyone to get cancer, smokers and nonsmokers alike, so I rescind that remark.  I certainly have a million bad habits of my own that could kill me.)

Anyway, she was pretty healthy, going a homeopathic route that didn't include chemo, so she was never sick from that procedure.  But at about 5 months, the cancer began metastasizing, and the inevitable was beginning.  It was fairly quick, and she chose Hospice over hospitals, and friends gathered around her 24/7, and it was really very wonderful to see all this love.  But still...you know, worst time of my life ever.  Nothing could make me happy, no distractions worked except sleep, and then it was horrifying to wake up INTO a nightmare every morning, instead of waking up FROM one.  So I at first subconsciously, and then totally consciously, turned to food more than ever before.  I was always fat, and had tried Atkins a couple years before this (and gained it back), and had kind of been trying to lose weight ever since, on various plans.  But screw all that during those last couple months.  The only moments I could lose the terrible sadness was when I brought home bags of fast food and sauces and rich desserts, laid them out on the coffee table, turned on Gilmore Girls, and forgot my life for a little while.

While I'm not comparing today to the experience of losing my mother, I reacted the same way.  And I don't know if I've done that, consciously, since then.

Today sucked.  

I hope tomorrow will be better.  I want to stop crying.  I feel like a baby and I get a headache.

Why I don't use my full name here.

I started this blog under a different blogger account than my Regular one, because I wanted to give full disclosure: my weight, what my eating patterns were, how I really felt about my body, etc...without letting people who actually *do* know me see this side.

Is this cowardly of me? Maybe.

Today, pre-shower, my weight showed improvement, but I can't tell anyone specifically:

Analog: 248

Digital: 247.0

(Oh lord, I just substituted both "2"s in those numbers for "1"s. I hate that I'm 100 pounds heavier than someone who themselves might think they're overweight!)

Anyway: I'm in a pretty chipper mood this morning because of the weight...but usually this would be something I keep to myself and not talk about. And if I do, it has to be in vague terms (I only recently began referring to myself as Fat, Chubby, etc. to my friends & family--and not in a feel-sorry-for-me kind of way). But also, as I shed some weight since June, people noticed. And falling off the wagon for a few weeks seems like such a shameful thing to tell people who were so encouraging before, doesn't it? "I'm happy today because--remember how I lost like 30 pounds for the wedding? Well, I gained around 15 pounds of it back, right, which sucked. But then I lost a pound yesterday! So I'm still far from the weight I was a month ago, when you said I looked good. I mean, obviously I don't look good now, right, because you only *said* I looked good because I had lost weight."

So that's one reason I'm keeping this semi-anonymous.

Now, this is maybe going to sound mean, but I'm not always that nice of a person.

I had this wedding, right, and it was a small affair, like 25 people. Still, there were family members and friends who came in from distances, and who'd never met each other or hadn't seen each other for years. My brother Max flew in from California, and my new brother-in-law Kirk drove in from the East Coast--two guys who like looking at the ladies. I love my brother to death--he's hilarious and adorable and his smile lights up the room. But, his taste in women is strictly limited to skinny Minnies. I don't know if he sees me when he's telling me things like "She had a pretty face, but her muffin top was a deal-breaker"...hello?!!

My new brother-in-law, though...I cannot STAND. I think I might even hate him. (I'm pretty sure it all started when my husband told me that Kirk made fun of him for preferring curvy ladies.) He has a drug addiction, he steals from his FAMILY (I'm never letting him stay in our house if we're not home), he's the most selfish person I've met, and he dates 19-year-olds (he's 35). He also only goes for typically hot women.

So, two guys, one I adore, one I abhor: Max and Kirk. Similar philosophies to who they'll date.

Also present were several of my girl-friends: Ellie, Sara, Amy, and Dillon, and my sister Lil. All of whom I've stood in the shadow of as long as I've known each of them, in terms of boys or prettiness or personality. I'm so used to guys coming up to me and saying "Hey, Vee, how do I get Sara to notice me?" that I'm often suspicious of their motives for talking to me in any other capacity.

In the past few years, Ellie and Amy have wed and birthed babies, and both the settling down and the pregnancies have caused their bodies to change--not anything I noticed happening drastically, but as they continue to expand and bitch about their weight, I noticed it probably more than I would have without their prompting. But I never thought "they're not hot anymore."

After the wedding, Max and Kirk commented to me and hubby about the attractiveness of Sara and Dillon (and Kirk mentioned he found my sister Smokin'). I was taken aback--not because of who they'd mentioned, but because of who they hadn't--and because it was such a small ceremony, I know they were checking out everyone. (That's just what they do.) Could Ellie and Amy *kind of* be nearing my corner now? Could I actually not forever be the Only Ugly Fat One in the room? Could I actually have people in my life who identify with what I've been going through my entire life? And...could I actually have the advantage now, because I know what dieting is like and what I can stand, and I know exactly what will happen if I go to a pizza buffet, so I can make that decision and not be surprised when the scale goes up the next day? Ellie and Amy haven't even considered dieting--they just complain, and throw away all unflattering photos, and (this makes me angry) have the balls to be dubious about my low-carb plan. (I'm no converter here--if people want to try this plan, I'll help them all I can, but that's about it. So their "advice" for me to get off this plan is completely unbidden.)

So...I like that some of my friends are getting fat. It's a motivator for me, too, because instead of people just having this vague notion of my diet, I know they know how easy it is to slip into bad-eating habits. You've seen those comments, right, from fat-haters, who say "God, just get off the couch, put down the Twinkies, and go for a run! It's not THAT HARD!"...? They clearly have no, no, no idea what it's like. And I wonder if, deep down, that's what my friends and family think about me.

Anyway...this post may have sounded selfish. Another reason to stay anonymous, right? :)

And maybe, just maybe, I might be the one checked out someday at my friend's wedding.

Inspired by Chai...my own reasons

I read a VERY honest blog post today from Chai Latte over at Relatively Low-Carb, about her reasons for losing weight.  I'm totally copying her idea (and *trying* not to copy the content!).  I began a list like this, in a notebook, a few years ago, and I've dug it up--and some of my reasons are very similar to Chai's (so maybe they're universal)!

I read Fat Acceptance Blogs, because I love their attitude, but unfortunately I know that will never be me...and being married to this glorious man makes me feel incredibly sexy and gorgeous all the time, when we're together.  BUT...not when I'm in public, alone at the grocery store.  And not when I'm so happy I see him I want to jump into his arms and wrap my legs around him.  And not when I'm at Macy's and see the cute dresses they don't carry in a 2X or 3X.

So, my reasons for losing the weight...

1. Our community recreation center is brand-new, and I love to swim there, but I stopped because I hated feeling like people were staring at the whale in the Speedo.  There's also a hydrotherapy pool, and I'd love to sit in there after a workout and not be paranoid that people think I'm disgusting.

2.  I want to dress to be cute or pretty or fashionable...not because I found something serviceable in the ever-shrinking plus-size sections of stores (that's a contradiction in terms, isn't it?).

3. I wish I could have gone to a dress shop to get my wedding dress, instead of ordering three different sizes in seven different dresses online to try them on.  I didn't like the dress I ended up choosing.  And none of the bridal shops I called were at all kind about helping me. 

4. Clothes are always more expensive in extended sizes.  I'm sick of that.  I want to go to the "normal" section!

5. I want to lie on my stomach on the floor or bed, reading a book, and not feel my belly poking back into me uncomfortably.

6. I want to cross my legs without readjusting my hips.

7. I want to feel comfortable talking in front of a large group.  Years of acting classes took away my shyness; now I'm just embarrassed to show my body.

8. I want to dance, just as I know I can, without feeling like a joke.  Or audition for a musical and have a fair shake at roles other than old ladies.

9. I want our family Christmas photos to be something I enjoy looking at.

10. I want to stop breaking the bottom nubs of toilet seats so they shift to the side when I sit  on them.

11. I want to learn to do my hair and makeup knowing that it's not an attempt to take attention away from my body.

12. I want a v-neck shirt that doesn't look like I'm trying to be a naughty nurse.

13. I want to not wonder, for a minute, every time I see a diet pill commercial or their shelf at the store--Could That One work?

14. I want to stop weighing myself, and be okay with the weight I'm at.

15. I want to wear cute winter coats that don't just cover me up.

16. I want to travel to see old friends and not worry that their first thought would be "Oh, she's gained even more weight."

17. I want to sleep in the fetal position comfortably.

18. I want to be able to try new sexual positions.

19. I want to find pretty bras everywhere I go--not just Cacique.

20. I want to wear a skirt or dress without my thighs rubbing together and giving me a rash.

21. I want to not be afraid to approach an airplane seat..."Will I fit in this?  How awful it would be if I can't..."

22. I want to wear whatever shoes I like, without worrying about finding the wide size, or worrying about how the heels will feel after a short time.

23. I don't want to think I'll inevitably become diabetic one day, or die of a heart attack because my eating habits are terrible.

I'm sure more will come to me, and I may come back and add to this list.  I don't know if it's a healthy list to keep, or if it's horrifying...but these are the reasons I'm embarking on this journey.  Just keeping it real, folks.

At work today...

I was determined to keep sated, so I ate 6 Slim Jims, 3 wheels of Babybel (2 gouda, 1 cheddar), 1 serving of Wasabi and Soy Sauce flavored almonds and 1 serving (3 pieces) Russell Stover sugar-free Crispy Caramel candies--along with the Coca-Cola Zero and almost all of my 2/3-full 64-oz jug of water.

I'm about to try something a little new for lunch.  Sometimes, I fix "crustless pizza"--a plate of sliced pepperoni, topped with four ounces of fresh mozzarella and either banana peppers or a tapenade-like olive spicy pizza topping (very low-carb) that I found.  I top that with another layer of pepperoni and nuke it for 2 minutes, sometimes adding Tabasco sauce on top.  It's very juicy and messy.  I've tried adding Walden Farms carb-free Marinara sauce, but I didn't like it.  If I have fresh cherry tomatoes or onions, those work really well.  

Today I'm going to try loading it all up in a bowl and sprinkling some extra cheddar/parmesan on top, so it'll seem a little heartier, and adding some low-carb salsa (the big jug from Sam's).  That means a lot of cheese for the day, but it's better than getting a McRib, right? :)

We'd been going through some financial constraints before the wedding, which meant I couldn't really buy vegetables, but now that we're getting back on our feet, I'm planning on mashing more cauliflower (SO good!) and having salads almost every day.  I used one batch of cauliflower once to make Shepherd's Pie, with grated cheese, shallots, and ground beef with beef broth.  It was so, so tasty!  Mock potato salad is wonderful, too...and I just found a recipe for fried mashed cauliflower pancakes, a la potato pancakes.

And, since I got a standing mixer for our wedding...Oopsie rolls will be a cinch!

Back on track today!

I was married on October 18 to a wonderful man. My goal (begun last spring) was to lose 20 pounds by the wedding, and I started at about 265. After following a pseudo-Weight Watchers plan for a couple months, going to bed hungry every night and, frankly, doing more cheating than dieting, I remembered how easily the weight came off when I did Atkins in 2002 for a year.

That was the first diet I'd ever been on, and I went from 227 to 168 in six months. I couldn't stick with it, but since then my weight has only ballooned, and I've come to terms with the fact that in order to get down to and maintain a healthy weight, I have to be on a specific eating plan. I am far too susceptible to bingeing, and I can't just have a taste of something--one Reese's peanut butter cup? Are you kidding me? It's the king-size pack of four or NOTHING!

So low-carb worked for me before, and it'll work for me now. When I started my Wedding Weight Loss Plan, I lost a few pounds over two months on a "regular" low-cal/fat diet. I began low-carb again on June 1st, and by the wedding, I'd gotten down to 234--even with a few days of full-out cheating in there.

Of course, big celebrations mean food, and with all the parties and traveling we've been doing over the last two and a half weeks, I haven't stuck to the plan much--maybe two or three days on, and the rest off--and when I do off days, I Do Off Days. I'm such a hedonist. I indulge in everything low-carb won't let me, and not much in moderation.

So, the numbers that appeared as I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in weeks shouldn't have been much of a surprise--but it's always disheartening, isn't it? I weigh myself on two scales: a big analog dial scale, and a Weight Watchers brand digital scale. I'd noticed the digital scale sometimes fluctuates within a few minutes of weighing oneself mutiple times, so I wanted a reliable backup system--but I still like the exact numbers the WW scale gives me. So I do both.

This morning, pre-shower, post-underwear, the scales read:

249, Analog

248.4, Digital

Yikes! I knew this would happen...weight comes back so easily when I quit low-carb. But that's still almost a pound a day!

Today, though, is a new day. As is every day on a low-carb plan.

I have at work with me a 12-oz Coca-Cola Zero I'm nursing, and a 64-oz bottle of water waiting in the wings (only about 2/3 full because it's really heavy when it's totally full, and I'll never drink 64 ounces during the five hours I'm at work--I'll drink a smaller bottle to make up for the absent water tonight). I am stocked with the lower-carb South Beach Crispy Meal bars (Vanilla Creme), Cocoa Roast Emerald almonds, smoked almonds, a drawer full of Slim Jims, a jar of pickle spears in the mini-fridge, two kinds of Babybel (the cheddar's my current favorite--gouda was a disappointment), a bag of sugar-free Reese's cups (wow those things have improved since they came out during my first foray into the low-carb world), and a half-pound of Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese. There's no opportunity to cheat here, and I can leave work early this afternoon feeling full so there's no temptation to stop at DQ for the Chicken Strip Basket with extra gravy.

Wish me luck!

Here I go....